I had always wondered what in the world John Mayer meant when he sang " I worry I weigh three times my body" in the song clarity. I wondered until last week. I had never felt so "heavy" in my entire life. The emotional weight was actually slowing me down, literally! I didn't want to leave my room, because I knew I would be tired of being outside within minutes..
Am graduating from college in 2 weeks and still have no idea what my future is going to look like. Its so bad,that I have no idea where I am going to be in the next month! School has always been a safe heaven. The weekend might be boring, but Monday morning at 9 there is a place to be! Plus, there is homework to bitch about in the evening. 20 years of my life, I have always had a fixed schedule. 2 weeks from now, none of that is going to exist. I guess I felt like a fish, slowly being lured out of water. Heart racing, loss of breath, panic!
Then there was Sunday. I was especially excited about church because I had gone to a church I wasn't fund of the week before. From the very first word the pastor said, it was like he was talking to me, and me alone. He preached about trusting in the lord. He reminded me that saying you trust the lord, doesn't necessarily mean you do. He talked about how important it is to always keep in mind, that God always has your best interest at heart. I cried. Not the wailing-mucus-dripping-out-of-my-nose kind of my tears. These tears were cleansing. Like I was washing away all of my worries. Needless to say, I thought it was an amazing service. Little did I know that the tears weren't over.
I got back home, and while scanning my facebook page, saw the video of the song 'The more I seek you". I am still not sure what made the tears come again. Maybe it was the lyrics of the song, or the sincerity of the singer. Either way I was extremely moved. The whole day just came full circle at that very moment.
And at this very moment, John Mayer once again took the words right out of my mouth. "This morning, there is a calm I can't explain" :Clarity.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wow!!!.... Its been what? 2 years??
Am glad to say a lot has changed in two years!.. How sad would it be if I was in the exact same spot??
In the past two years, I have been able to complete the last two years of college. Hence I graduate in May!!... Exciting right? I think NOT!
Don't be too quick to judge me! I know I should be grateful and all that good stuff. Many would give a lot to be in my shoes too. But the haunting question remains, WHAT NEXT??
That is my fear. I want to be a doctor, so at this stage in my life, I was hoping I would have gotten a couple of interviews from medical schools, even an admission or two. Yet, NOTHING-- absolutely nothing.
So that is my fear guys. What comes next for me? Do I get a Job and try again next year? Do I go back to my home country? Do I get married?? ( It really is a possibility)... Maybe when I have some sort of definite answer I will be more excited. But for now, graduation is a craving I DON'T want satisfied...